thinking is what i do
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: Justin Timberlake-Sexy Back
Topic: About Him

A lot has been on my mind and it somewhat tearing me apart. The whole Andrew situation , my own life, friends and so much more. I was going to write alot like i did with the other diaries.

I am not feeling all that well and I think i will end this short sorry about that.

This Weekend
Mood:  cool
Now Playing: Mary J Blige-Enough Cryin
Topic: About Him

I been doing some thinking about Andrew and I am going to stick to my decision. I am going to say whatever happens happens. I am going to be there for him even if I am not happy about it. I mean I want to believe that Daniela (his fiancee) is good but after the many falling outs we had, it made me think different. I know that Andrew will do what he feels it right. Thats another reason why I love him. I have him do  a how well do you know me test and he passed every question . I was so surprise but than again it is andrew and I am happy that he does know me that well.  Well thats all for now.

tired and dont know what to do anymore
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Nelly Furtado-Maneater
Topic: About Him

A lot on my mind about Andrew and I dont know what to do anymore. I tried to be nice and now I am at a stand still on what to do. I really dont feel like writing much today so this entry is going to be short.

losing my mind
Mood:  blue
Topic: About Him

My Lost

I wait too lost

Now I might have miss out

The misery that I deal with

I should have told you sooner

Now I lost you

A hardship I must face

My dreams

My hopes and desires

Gone from my life

It hurts too much

Can't think about it

Its hard to deal

I wanted too late

It's all my fault

I have to accept it

I can't have you

I can't love you

Its too hard

 

 

here is my poem about my pain.

dont know anymore
Mood:  sad
Now Playing: Justin Timberlake-Sexy Back
Topic: About Him
Andrew, I mean what can i say about him. I do love him but sometimes  He can be werid but that is why I love him I been trying to be nice about things that going on. I been trying not to tell myself that things are not good or anything but i am not making sense. Okay I Know that Andrew and I are more than friends but other than that I dont know. I dont know what to do anymore. either way I have to talk to him about it. I can keep letting my heart get hurt like this over and over,

Doing some thinking
Mood:  blue
Now Playing: Nelly Furtado-Maneater
Topic: About Him

Work is getting to be a pain. I am so starting to hate it there.  I dont care anymore. I do everything in my power to make things better and all I get is nothing in return. Well forget them.

Andrew and I emailing each other about our problem (work) He can relate to each other. I love him so much. I am just glad that he can talk to me. I know that there is something more but at least he is starting to tell me something.

 

not having
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Ashlee Simpson-Love Me For Me
Topic: About Him
Not having a good day. I just don't care about it anymore. It doesnt make any sense. Work is gettting to be a pain in the butt. I dont know what to do anymore. I can only take so much and they are so pushing it. I just want to scream. Anyway this entry is going to be short I dont want to make myself mad again. Oh I passed another test for my online school.

something that i wanted to write
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Danity Kane- One Shot
Topic: About Him

I haven’t been writing how I feel about everything. I don’t know why I haven’t been telling or I should say writing but now I think that I should start back doing that but this isn’t why I haven’t been writing.

 

Okay the reason why I am writing is because there are some things on my mind. Okay let’s start from the beginning. I want to start with what I always talk about which is Andrew.

 

Okay everyone knows that I love Andrew more than anything. He is my heart and soul and I want him to be happy even if that means I am miserable. Truthfully I will be miserable what I want him to be truly happy. He deserves it so much.  I am trying not to feel the way I feel about him. I have so many emotions about him and not fully knowing how he feels make it a little hard to figure out anything about our friendship or relationship or whatever. Every night and day I dreamed of Andrew and I being together since high school and I blame myself for not being able to tell him how I felt sooner. I feel like crap every time I think about what could have been but its in the past and now I have to think about the future. It hard because I told myself a while ago that I wasn’t going to tell Andrew I love him until he tells me and things that he do make it so hard not to tell him.

 

I don’t know what to do about him anymore besides being there for him as a friend but I want more than friendship but I can take what I can get right now. I do love him more than anything and I been wanting to tell him but I am so afraid that I won’t the reaction that I would like to. When I am around him I can’t control myself.  I love him so much with all my heart and soul.

 

When I have dreams about him they feel so real and the only dreams that I had like that was before he came home in April. It made me wish he was here right now.  I don’t know its so many feelings that I am going through I don’t really know how to really explain them. I know some of what Andrew feels about me but I know that he isn’t telling me anything. I don’t want to keep worrying over it cause it only going to make things worse.

 

Its just that he has been on my mind a whole lot and I been a little worried about it. I am hoping that everything is alright. If anything ever happen to him I don’t know what I would do. I think that this is a reason why I haven’t been getting much sleep. I dreamed that one day Andrew and I would get married and have family. Am I the only one that doesn’t see what other people see. What I mean by that is that most people have been saying that Andrew and I could have been together and probably have a family. It really got me to thinking about it. I mean could it all been true? I mean if I would have said anything in high school could be actually have what it was suppose to be? I wondered about that all the time.

 

I know that he will always been there for me and I know that no matter what he always will. He knows me too well. That is one of the reasons why I love him so much. I been doing a lot of thinking about everything. I been trying to figure out what’s going on between us. I feel like there is something pulling us together and then I said to myself that I didn’t want to get my hopes up and thinking that it will happen and it don’t. I am not going to think negative believe me I won’t. I am just going to wait and see what will happen. I am just tired and drain from everything. I don’t know what to do anymore. All I can do is wait and see what will happen. I have a lot to really think about. I don’t want to hurt him and me in the process. I don’t know what to say or how to express myself.

 

I love him so much
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Danity Kane- One Shot
Topic: About Him

Well I am in a good mood for a few reasons. One is that I passed my test. Two I am closer to getting my degree and Three I got to talk to Andrew. Things are great.

I love talking to him. He makes things even more better than before. I really hope he comes home in december. I been thinking about him a whole lot and I cant wait to show him when he gets home. :)

well I dont have much to say. I have to finish getting ready for work.

can being in love be a crazy thing.
Mood:  quizzical
Now Playing: Ashlee Simpson-Love me for me
Topic: About Him

I mean can you be so much in love with someone that you can drive yourself crazy. I mean I love andrew more than life itself and I would give up my life for him. Is that being crazy. Am I wasting my time aiming toward a guy who may not want to be with me like i want to be with him.

I been in love with this guy for a long time. Getting back in contact with him change my entire life. I became a brand new Shareka and without him  I dont think I would be different or feel this way about a guy.

Its hard seeing him with someone else. Well it hurts a whole lot and I wish I could have my chance. I sometimes wonder if I do. I cant change my feelings for him no matter how hard I try and believe me I have tried so many times. It doesnt work as planned. I been trying to find a way to tell him what I am going through but he isnt having a good time where he is. something is bothering him and he wont tell me and it hurts so much that he wont tell me. I wish he could tell me, showing me isnt engough right now. I wish he could tell me as a friend. i mean we are friends first before anything right. idont know anymore on what to do. help